My friends are all ok…
“…. You know if any of my pals needed your help I would 100% recommend you to them, it’s just that they’re all ok - they have good lives, great relationships, successful businesses…..”
Like all coaches, I hear this from time to time…. I only hope my friends assessments are true.
Now I’m not suggesting that all men over 40 need help - but do men really have meaningful conversations with their friends in order to find out?
I was listening to a psychotherapist recently who said when she was working with women, they’d say “I haven’t told anyone this”, meaning anyone other than their best friends, sister, mother….
Whereas when a man says it, the words seriously have never left his lips before.
It's the same when you ask a group of women when they last shared what’s keeping them up at night. ‘In the last week’ comes the typical reply, whereas for men, it’s more likely to be ‘never’.
This is why I feel incredibly privileged to support men in their therapeutic coaching journey and why we need to remove the stigma of the ‘stiff upper lip’ and encourage vulnerability with the people we care about.
Embracing vulnerability is not a sign of weakness; rather a testament to strength and courage. Sharing our feelings and encouraging our friends to do the same can lead to deeper, more meaningful connections. It also sets a positive example, showing that it’s ok to express emotions and seek support.
Why emotional check-ins with your friends matter
Checking in on your friends' emotional well-being and being open about your own feelings are crucial steps towards leading a fulfilling and healthy life. Here’s five reasons why emotional check-in’s matter:
Feeling Seen and Heard: So often this is lacking for men. By intentionally checking in on your friends you will deepen your bond and strengthen trust, fostering a sense of belonging and mutual support for you both.
Encouraging Open Communication: By ‘going first’ and sharing your thoughts and emotions you promote a culture of open and transparent communication which can help your friends feel more comfortable sharing their struggles and triumphs, leading to better emotional health for both of you.
Providing Emotional Support: Sometimes, all a person needs is a listening ear. Offering your support can provide immense relief to someone going through a tough time.
Promoting Healthy Aging: Emotional well-being is inextricably linked with physical health. Engaging in open conversations can enhance both mental and physical health.
Reducing Loneliness: Men tend not to nurture as many friendships as women, so they experience increased loneliness as they get older. Regular connection and conversation can help combat this feeling, creating a sense of belonging and community.
How to Start the Conversation
Regularly reaching out and showing that you care can greatly impact your friends' emotional health. These conversations can provide them with the support and encouragement they need to navigate life’s challenges.
I appreciate however that starting a conversation about emotions with a friend may be challenging if it’s not something that you’re used to doing. If you approach them with empathy and genuine concern and listen rather than offer advice, they will be grateful and it could make a significant difference to your friends' life.
Here are seven thoughtful ways to start conversations and check in on your friends' emotional well-being:
1. General Check-In
This opens the door for them to share without feeling pressured.
"Hey, how have you been feeling lately? I’ve been thinking about you and wanted to see how you’re doing."
2. Express Genuine Concern without judgement
This shows you’ve been paying attention and care about them.
"I noticed you seemed a bit off the last time we talked. What’s going on for you at the moment?"
3. Relate to Common Experiences
Sharing your own feelings first can make your friend feel more comfortable opening up.
"Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed with everything happening. How do you feel about things?"
4. Reflect on the Past
This acknowledges shared experiences and opens the conversation about coping mechanisms.
"We’ve both been through so much over the years. How are you doing with things these days?"
5. Reassure Your Availability
Reassuring your friend of your support can provide comfort and encourage openness.
“I just wanted to remind you that I’m here for you, no matter what. How are you doing these days?"
6. Share Your Feelings
Vulnerability can encourage your friend to share their own struggles.
"I’ve been feeling a bit stuck in my relationship lately, I’ve found talking about it helps. What’s going on for you?"
7. Encourage Social Interaction
One of the biggest issues for men is loneliness.
"Do you feel like meeting up for coffee or a walk? It would be great to catch up in person and see how you’re doing." Or "Remember when we used to [insert specific activity]? I miss those times, we should hang out more.”
Conclusion
It’s time to break the stigma around emotional expression for men over 40. Regularly checking in on your friends and embracing vulnerability leads to stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships.
By initiating these conversations with empathy and genuine concern, you can create a supportive network where everyone feels valued and understood. Let’s lead by example and show that it’s not only ok to talk about your feelings, rather it’s an essential part of living your best life.
If this feels a little too stretching currently, yet you’d like to reach out to a friend, perhaps send them a link to my new scorecard ‘Are you living your best life?’ and let me ask the challenging questions…. You can take a look at it here.
I’m rooting for you.
x
