Not feeling seen in your marriage?
“…..But how do I tell her what I’m thinking and feeling?”
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. I hear this phrase in my coaching room all the time. Men who’ve been socially conditioned to ‘just get on with it’. Or ‘pull themselves together’. Men who were never taught as children how to manage their emotions or share their deeper thoughts and feelings.
My response….. “What if you did know? What would you say then?”
The inability for men to share their thoughts and feelings is one of the primary reasons so many don’t feel seen and heard by their wife. This has to stop. So, ask yourself the following questions and ideally write down your thoughts on each:
What beliefs, thoughts and emotions are stopping you from sharing your feelings?
By not sharing your feelings, you might feel ‘safe’ – What would you have to do or face, if you started sharing your thoughts and feelings?
What does it look, sound and feel like, if you felt totally safe sharing your deepest dreams, fears and emotions with your wife?
Marriage is a lifelong conversation, one that will energise you, support you, amuse you and sometimes drive you crazy! The depth of your conversation really does correlate with the strength of your marriage. Which is why it’s critical you find a way to share your thoughts and feelings. If you are avoiding telling your wife what you think and feel for an ‘easy life’, think again. By not sharing:
You are primarily not being true to yourself.
You are hiding parts of yourself, which means your wife doesn’t know the real you.
You are potentially feeding more unhelpful emotions; resentment, anger, loneliness, sadness.
Those unprocessed emotions must go somewhere and so often they become physical pain.
Ultimately you look elsewhere to be seen and heard, which may mean an emotional or physical relationship with someone else.
So I ask you to think again - to trust your wife and let her see you. The real, messy, and human YOU.
When you’re ready to talk, here’s a few ideas to get the conversation started
Suggest a weekly / monthly check in. It works in business so why not in relationships? Your lives are busy, conversations so often end up revolving around logistics, chores and children. A check in makes quality, productive time for you as a couple.
Make a commitment to meet every week at the same time, in the same place with some simple check in questions to guide the conversation. Of course, it should never just be a tick box exercise, but a structured approach will help you both share your thoughts and feelings.
Download my free guide HERE to help you create your weekly / monthly check in.
Listen to a relationship podcast together and chat about it after.
Buy two copies of The Five Love Languages book and tell your wife you thought it might be fun to discover each other’s love language. (See my blog here for more information about The Five Love Languages).
Go for a walk together, there’s something meaningful about moving in the same direction without looking at each other, which makes it easier to share what you’re thinking and feeling.
The reality is most couples don’t separate because of some big, monumental issue. They do so because they grow apart. When they don’t feel seen or heard. So, over to you. Be courageous, be vulnerable. You’ll be amazed how freeing it can be.
I’m rooting for you…
